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Chix's Chatter - Atten-Shun !

Commander Chix asks Pompey's Blue Army to assess what is left of the regiment


(That includes you Private Penton)

Right you 'orrible little lot!

I have seen 'The Email', I have read 'The Official Statement' and I have heard enough moans and groans to last me well into World War Six.

But it stops now!

(Stand-up straight Corporal Eastneydave)

The bare faced fact of the matter is our General's have informed us that they haven't a military strategy of how to get themselves out of 'The Mess' so whether you like it or not, it is down to us to fight this battle of survival on our own.

Now men,
(And that includes you Privates Tracyc, Gandor, Hammersmith Blue & UKTony) we have to show that we are made of sterner stuff than our Generals and face the fight alone, otherwise our once famous regiment will wither and die by the time PompeyCook stuff the Christmas Turkey

What we need to do is roll-call our current squadron and assess, if collectively, they are up to the task of surviving the next nine months in the face of severe adversity whilst being bombarded on all sides by our enemies.

(Eyes front Private Plymouth Graham)

I want your views on who you believe should be included in our Crack Attack (CRACK ATTACK) Unit, who we should keep back for reinforcements and who we should send over the top first.

All current personnel should be considered whether they be first year recruits or battle hardened warriors, but can only work with the soldiers we have today.

There will be no talk of O'Neil, Benjani, Lua Lua or Taylor. They are caught behind enemy lines and there's little hope of ever seeing them again

There will be no talk of Johnson, Defoe, Diarra, Crouch or others who have departed recently. Sadly they are classified as Casualties of War and their Next of Kin have been notified accordingly

(Stop sniggering Private Cornypomp)

There will be no talk of potential reinforcements for Australia, Cameroon, Cardiff or even Crewe irrespective of whether they are retiring veterans from another regiment

There will be no talk of any further potential deserters, Distin, James, Belhadj, Utaka & co are here today and we have to plan with what we've got, lovely boys !

So men, your mission whether you accept it or not, is to identify those soldiers within our current squadron who can be moulded into a unit that is prepared to battle hard for the cause.

You need not respect current regimental duties I just want to see names of personnel who are prepared to fight for each other and our famous regiment even if it means certain death. I WANT SOLDIERS that this Blue Army can be proud of, in fact I WANT HEROES

As self-appointed Commander-in-Charge I will have the final say of our Dirty Dozen but I will not make my final selection until way past 00:00 hrs so you have until then to convince me, and each other of the 12 soldiers in whom we should place our lives for the next nine months. But be aware men, some of those selected may not all come back.

(Private Frippy - My office now!)

One final point men. Talk of protestation or cowardice for battle will be dealt with very severely - You have been warned

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Join the Vital Pompey Debate

The Journalist

Writer: Chix Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Tuesday August 4 2009

Time: 8:50PM

Your Comments

Bloody great article Chix!
L L Blue
Thank You Private LL BLue I'm just doing my duty
Right men Some pointers to get you started. We already know that Kanu can be used as a soliditary sleath unit in the closing stages of battle - He has the ability to move without being noticed. Belhadj on the other hand could be used as a human grenade if things get tough and he can be classified as expendable should we need him to be [Edited by hickin]
Blimey SIR!, if you'll give me leave to speak; first over the top will be corporal Herman 'The Terminator' Hreidarsson. Loves a fight, hard, picks a fight if upset and steams in to the fray and mixes it up in the opposition's territory. Bit of a foriegn Johnny but he can be trusted, SIR! Also after fighting for US, hopes Joanna Lumley will help him stay here, SIR!
Permission granted Private Et_TU Your remarks concerning The Herminator are well founded, however although his movement might still be as agile as it has been in previous campaigns I worry about the delivery of ammunition to him given that our former No2 has departed - As for Lumley however.. I'm sure he would consider it a priviledge to be in association with her
Them members should be very scared of you chix.
Commander Chix - Private Gino reporting for duty! I wish to put forth Niko Kranjcar as our squadron leader. Someone of outshining class that, quite frankly, outdoes the rest of the batallion. Whilst all those other rats have been jumping ship, Niko has stuck by, and is looking forward to next season without saying anything other than "Bring it on!" - there's no "I'm off to Arsenal" speak from this lad this summer. We are going to need to plan around him, so I therefore would put him in charge, to lead our men as he sees fit on the field.
Scared indeed Private Mad I didn't get where I am today but ****** footing around with a load of nancy boys intent on wearing ladies undergarments. My father was a military man and his father before him. I was born on a battlefield don't ya know
Commander Chix....there's one man above all other that has the skill, the verve, the passion, the guts, the creativity, the legs and looks, whose virility could satisfy a thousand battle hardened nurses and a few corporals as well, take on the enemies defenses and tear them apart as if they were squashed grapes in a bag and last but not least has the pace of an exocet missile...that man is Kapitain Kranky....who I'm led to believe is rather a favorite of yours sir...
Private Parts here. Can I point out the middle east has just taken over the Blue Army? It's all oil and money and oil!
KRANJCAR! KRANJCAR! for Squadron Leader have you been drinking that cheap NAFFI lager again Private Gino Kranjcar has never shown a ounce of spirit .. in fact he has been handed most of his opportunities by virtue of his fathers standing and when left alone to make his own decision turned traitor on his local side to play for their arch rivals. Kranjcar may well be included but only so he can be keep at close quarters as I suspect he made yet turn out to be no more than a spy!
Yeah he was born on the battlefield alright, look at that looks like his mum was feeding im grenades instead of rusks.
Well Commander Chix far be it from me to question authority, but I do believe that a mistake will be made if Kranjcar does not lead our troops out there. Without a figure like him at the helm, we will be lost in no man's land, and I fear that could well prove costly.
Private L L reporting SIR, Might I put forward David James as a one man last line of defence to give the regiment a steely resolve. He is a loyal motivated individual who commitment to the cause was shown in abundance during the last tour of duty. Over and out. SIR
L L Blue
Major Bassinas to the rescue, Never going to be a high ranking Officer but will organize and deploy the necessary men to all parts of the combat zone.
Private Parts-Lysimachus Your intelligence may yet prove to be correct however until I recieve official confirmation from our reconissance corp the Blue Army shall continue to wear western style uniforms - 'Oil & Money'.. all I have witnessed to date is 'Toil and Trouble'
Er..don't forget Private Pennant in all the excitement Commander. I've just spoken to him in his hospital bed and he told me through his breathing apparatus that he's prepared to die with one leg if necessary. At least I thought he said one was a bit hard to catch over the bleeping of his heart monitor..
Private Cornypomp Your insubordination will see you in clink if you are not careful.. Take a leaf out of Private Penton's book. Now Bassinas is the very epitome of a battle hardened vetern and a fine candidate for Major.

Private LL James should and almost certainly make the 'Dirty Dozen' as you clearly point out he has single handedly saved us on more than on previous mission
Pennant .. Pennant ... that lazy, celebrity magnet .. all he was good for was introducing Captain James to a new filly .. Very nice indeed even if I do say so .. one leg eh! ha if you was determination soldier look at Dario Silva now if that fella was still on our continent what greater example would there be.. .. But back to Pennant any soldier that wears the footwear of a previous regiment whilst representing the Blue Army should be Court Marshalled
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah....Private Penton this Private Penton that...bloody crawler...
Private JAS reporting sir,maybe its time to give Linvoy the chaplain a call to hold prayers for the troops as they stride forwards into battle,over sir.
An excellent suggestion Private Jason R I'll make a note of that and also put a note on your military file so it be known that even at the height of battle you demonstrated compassion and found time to consider The Lord.. Do you have a pack of card soldier?
Private Cornypomp You seem to have an awful lot to say for yourself soldier.. Where are you from?
Private JAS reporting sir,maybe its time to give Linvoy the chaplain a call to hold prayers for the troops as they stride forwards into battle,over sir.
From the other side of the water sir,always ready to stride onwards and upwards sir,I particulally like to go behind enemy lines.
Sir Sir Sir.....I've just had a thought Sir!!! How's about Fusilier/Bombardier Grade 2 Utaka? Now I know at first glimpse he doesn't look up to it, but I can assure you if you just give him one more chance to shine he won't let the boys down. He's battle hardened and can run like hell. Also he does a lot of charity work sir... so I'm sure we'd never go short of food parcels.
I think that Utaka is from the airbourne division so would be a good man for a jet like assault.
Utaka Utaka Utaka.. I've a feeling his moniker is somewhat more fearsome than his person. Still I dig into his files and perform and assessment. Good work Cornypomp
R.S.M Diop has to be included, bossing things from the guard room, One slight on his card though, He needs re-training at Royal Artillery Larkhill, His Shooting and bomb aim is woeful
Interesting comment Jason R I was thinking along the lines of the ex-green beret Finnan for air bourne duties... trouble is I'm unsure if he could hit the ground running.. seems a bit crocked to me..
Er... Foul-mouth on Sea....Sir, Ex Special Boat Squadron...sorry about the chattering sir, I always talk a lot when I get excited!
Sir forgive me for speaking out of term,but I would like to see a bit more of corporal Nuggent,a joker so good for moral,never say die attitude,definately one for a battle sir.Always has a smile sir.
Diop umm .. trained at the Quashie Academy so I'm told Penton still he has promised to hit the target one day .. Still any man that can single handedly defeat the French makes my squadron
Foul-Mouth on Sea.. there's only two things that have ever come out of Foul-Mouth on Sea CornyPomp Do you know what they are Soldier?
I do sir I do I know sir,queers and old deers.
Nugent - Now there's a fine lad from a fine family - I know his father don't you know. However, there no room for sentiment in the military and as good for morale as he could be, would he not be better deployed in the Entertainment Corp? .. Meet the gang .. coz the boys are here and all that .. might make a good Gloria !
Private Kaboul deserves a mention in dispatches, for his attention to duty in rear guard actions, in the face of over whelming odds. Summoning the courage for airborne raiding parties in enemy territories...
Sah...suggestion sah...Herminator as lead of paratroop unit..drop him behind enemy lines at the corner. If you want a Dirty Dozen, few are dirtier than he.
Queers and Old dears indeed Cornypomp So which one are you Soldier
STOP PRESS I've just got off the phone to a fellow Commander from an ex-Italian regiment .. He suggests that although it would mean taking up valaubale space in the transport carrier we should take MULLINS.. His reasoning was that he could be deployed as a Human Shield should Bassinas or Diop come under heavy fire .. What do you think men?
Sir I object most strongly Sir to Private JR's language, it's just not politically correct sir...and while I'm at it sir I do feel we need the sheer brutal dog of war attitude of Mauler Mullins sir to give us that extra bit of steel..
Good of you to join us HSB - I'll not ask where you have been, but further displays of poor punctuality will be noted.. Alas I digress 'The Herminator' is becoming a popular choice with you men.. It looks as if we have a definate slot for him .. with or without Joanna Lumbly..
I think he has more value as a Green shied stamp than a human one!
Private LL SIR, I know it is not PC to question a superior officer but SIR, Corporal Nugent fine fellow from Bin dipper land. Young Fit and full of running limited battle experience but along side a Battle hardened senior officer could give us some much needed pace. I feel, at the risk of court marshall a second look is required. Good night SIR.
L L Blue
Should that be Shield Private Penton?....Prat
Ooh why did that come up again?
Politically Correct?.. CornyPomp Politically Correct?..You're in the Army now man.. no room for Politics or Correctness .. Shoot first ask questions in an email, I say..
Queer sir but I do have a black belt in Chicke Chow Mein sir not that I'm chicken of course sir...
I consider your request to revisit Nugent Private LL My decision will be posted on the barracks wall from 0630hrs

Indeed it should be Green Shield Stamp Penton but some how funnier when wrong.

HSB Don't worry about the double posting is a known problem.. I have a laser which makes them
Utaka might be useful as a spy - he can lurk about for hours without anyone noticing he's actually there.
Sir may I suggest the services of captain lord lietenant colnel brigadier Kanu.Ok on dry land not too mobile but in the wet there are second to none,sometimes rudderless and sometimes leaves his padle at home,but with regards to skill and guile a very useful addition.
Sah, any self-respecting unit needs a Scotsman running round saying "We're doomed, we're doomed" Hughesy, step forward!
Colonel Kanu from the Pay Corp, Not exactly front line material anymore, seconded to the reserve, but always appears as a much needed feel good factor when producing the readies at the end of the week.
Just looked at the first team squad on club site...there are only 20 of's post-Dunkirk. Get out the little boats
Pity Johnson's gone - with his knowledge of B&Q stores could have been a great quartermaster and requisition officer
We dont have boats but we do have a Kanu. Sorry that was awfull.
Sir...fair advice from the Italian. However, Mullins deployment should be from the off. There will be casualties, and any expendables should be used in the first instance, allowing for the deployment of Basinas to push us onwards gaining more territory.
sir, it occurs to me, if I might be so bold, that this will be more of a Great Escape than open engagement so we need a Scrounger (Kanu getting a new contract?), some Tunnellers (Belhadj? Kaboul?), Donald Pleasance forging papers (um....well Jamo does illustrations doesn't he?) and then it's all set up for Hughesy to fall for that shabby Nazi trick at the train station and we're all lined up and shot on the moors.
Commander Chix, there are rumblings of a deserter in the rear Ranks, Private Distan, of the French persuasion, has heard there could be an invasion and is heard to be muttering about Vichy and being on zee winning side or zumtink?
The problem with Kanu men is that he was deemed to have lied on his militiary application.. Claimed he was 30 years old but born in 1953 .. When interogated he changed his statement and claimed to be born in 1977. Unconvinced as I was I commissioned some rigorous fitness assessments where his age could be calculated to within one month of the truth .. The problem was however that the equipment malfunctioned on the day in question as it showed a reading of 1927 .. Strangely however it has never malfunctioned since .. Ever.
If found to be true Shoot on Sight Penton
Permission to speak, sir. May I suggest Private KA Boul? Rumoured to be French Foreign Legion so clearly made of strong stuff, though leadership has been questioned. Positional sense a little suspect when out in the field (or desert) but a good man nonetheless.
Private Putney I'm plesed you could join us .. So Mullins first over the top eh.. umm not a bad strategy .. Question is .. does he know how to proceed in a forward direction.. Suppose with could get recalled Arnie and get him to drag him over
Field marshall Paultsmouth here, over the top men! anyone left will be shot (or sold to scum)
And another thing sir....apologies for being late on parade
Your absence was noted Private UK Tony however you contribution is welcomed all the same.. KA Boul.. I'd prefer it if we could rename him KA-BOOM but your testamonial goes a longway to securing his selection.. As long as he doesn't wear on of those silly hats!
Kilo Alpha November Uniform- might I suggest we consider air drop behind enemy lines towards the end of the conflict. He is extremely experienced at delivering the killer blow his file will confirm outstanding achievements during the Two Great Battles of Wembley rewarded with the FA Medal for Bravery. Lima Lima Out
L L Blue
Ah Field Marshall Paultsmouth recovered from your writers cramp following the tome you produced this afternoon have we ... I'm thankful that most of the 'over the top' men within our ranks have desserted to N5 .. seems they are planning an assault on Europe... If they hurry the they may catch the 23:00hrs to Le Harve !!
Charlie Chaplin Hotel Brother Sister Dr Dre. Foxtrot Tango Delta Blues Wig-Wam Bam Lima Lima over and out
Charlie Chaplin Hotel Brother Sister Dr Dre. Foxtrot Tango Delta Blues Wig-Wam Bam Lima Lima over and out
you'll make general yet commander chix, dunno if i've missed it or what sir but surely young Wilson and Cranie deserve some front line action, they've been waiting in the trenchs for far too long and i don't see any of the other men as being better than them (actually can't belive i missed another awesome thread i've got to starting checking the site earlier than 11pm XD)
A change of colour as we enter the hours of darkness .. No calls for Belhadj or any of the new recruits yet Cowen-Hall, Ward, Wilson, Ritchie, Cranie etc. maybe you consider then just a bit too inexperienced for a survival mission
That was a great read Chix, but why do you want me in your office? I ain't dropping and giving you 20 if that's what you're after.
PompeyM@ You should be a 'medium' how weird was that ! .. Always worth a check earlier on especailly when we think we all need a bit of fun .. Here's a tip though .. don't miss Vital in the closing week of the transfer window .. we have daily threads running up to 200+ comments last year .. all with a big slice of humour

Anyway Private M@ Cranie and Wilson are in my opinion more than capable of fightingthe good fight and as you point out they may not be battle hardened but they are itching for front line action.
[Edited by hickin]
commander chix, as the old adage goes 'if you are good enough you are old enough', if they want to fight alongside us who are we to deny these brave young men...
Brave young men indeed War Minister Rug A young Band of Brothers could serve us well

Private Frippy Rest assured the only 20 I need from you starts in Marlboro and ends in Lights (lol)
good words sir and commander i was here last year sir fighing along side you in that blissful time (wow last year seems a looooong time ago) but i must admit i completly forgot cowen-hall he seems to have done really well in miliraty school and defiantly deserves his chance out there with the rest of the men, ward i think could do with another year on the home front sharpening his teeth as it where
Jeez I'm knackered.. time for a tea-break.. been working this thread for three hours now non-stop.. but seem to have cheered you all up a little which was my intention.. I'll be back after these commercials..
arr man i hate commercials.... can i fast forward ;) lol
Trainee Cranie should in my opinion be promoted to Private following his extended training in Europe this last summer. He will provide much needed defensive cover for the walking wounded.
L L Blue
Sir, Sorry to report the MP's ( Military Police) have just reprted that Corporal Nugent and Private Wilson have been caught drunken and disorderly whilst on operations behind enemy line in Europe last week. This following our crushing defeat on the battle ground. I hereby withdraw my request for you to consider Corporal Nugent and apologise for doubting your authority SIR.
L L Blue
looks like the commanders gone AWOL boys you know what we do with deserters in blue army ;P
who is our sexy russian spy??
just on my way to work..not read comments yet...great article...have you stolen my tablets....
plymouth graham
Do we pin absentees over a whicker chair and beat them with a fly swatter? If so, can I be the official Army Photographer?
Sorry not around last night, trying to dig out some facts and get my stripes sown on lol Great stuff now lets back it up with actions.
Sir, If I may I'd like to suggest Wilson as From what I remember his ammo distribution is of a good standerd. Plus who else is there to flank from the right?
Pompey Rego
Could be utter cobblers, or should I say probably is utter cobblers:
Pssst. Don't tell anyone, but if the need arises, we might have someone 'onboard' who can get his hands on some arms. Allegedly.

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