Date:Saturday November 18 2006
Gerry McDonnell embraces his feminine side in the always controversial weekend Premiership preview
I pity the Newell
It`s easy to say the wrong thing. When the wife told me she`d received a fine for not wearing a seatbelt, I probably shouldn`t have responded with; "Why`s that then? Wouldn`t it fit?"
Mike Newell is in a similar boat. His controversial views on female officials have landed him in a spot of bother; but in my opinion, there could well be a nail with a pounding headache. It`s unfair to ask a woman to make crucial decisions less than 24 hours after an episode of Emmerdale.
All joking aside, Amy Rayner is more than capable. If I had to mark her performance using the binary scale, I`d give her '1`.
Is it a coincidence that Spurs are wearing a chocolate coloured kit now that women are running the line? (A lady will be less inclined to flag for offside if they`re contemplating a large dairy milk.) If you`re not cynical about the situation, you probably haven`t thought it through. There`s no need to ponder for too long on the outcome of the Blackburn v Tottenham match. Be a smarty; eat up the 8/5 about a home win.
Alan Pardew and Jose Mourinho are the undisputed kings of the goal celebration. Let`s hope there`s not a lady lino on duty when Chelsea face West Ham, or it could turn into a scene from 'Saturday Night Fever`. The champions have too much for the Hammers; their title hopes will be stayin` alive at 1/4.
Jose Mourinho has had a pop at the Chelsea fans, he`s accused them of being quieter than El Hadji Diouf`s wife. Chelsea supporters will have plenty to sing about if they cover the 2-0/3-0 correct scores at 5/2.
The word on the street is that Frank Lampard is to be offered a new deal worth £130,000 a week; that buys a whole lot of chicken wings. The Lamp has found the net in three of his last five games; he`s worth a nibble at 13/8 to score against his former employers.
It`s fair to say that Iain Dowie made an absolute 'Desert Orchid` of the Charlton job; sorry, I meant 'dog`s dinner`. Charlton are bottom of the table and haven`t won in Reading for 25 years, the Royals should be backed at a majestic even money.
Finding Michael Jackson babysitting work is tough, finding Mike Newell a job at the equal opportunities commission is even tougher, but finding a winner in the Everton v Bolton match is proving nigh impossible. I can`t see past the draw at 9/4.
Sir Alex was far from happy when news broke that Keith Hackett had arranged a meeting with Jose Mourinho. Fergie`s voice reached such a high pitch, Mike Newell wanted him removed from the touchline. United have won on their last three visits to Bramall Lane without conceding a goal, I fancy a repeat at 11/10.
Gareth Southgate has led Boro up to 13th place in the Premiership, which makes him over-qualified for the position of England manager. Liverpool have won only two of their last eight league match-ups with Middlesbrough, and both of those were at Anfield. The Boro look a corking investment at 12/5 to triumph at the Riverside.
With the managerial merry-go-round now under way, Stuart Pearce must be sweating like Mike Newell at a feminist convention. Fulham must be backed at 12/5 to see off Man City.
The wife hates it when i make patronizing comments; the poor little lamb gets ever so upset. You`ll be screaming if you miss Aston Villa at 2/1 away to Wigan.
Let me just clarify, I am not a sexist; I enjoy conversations about cushions. Everybody`s talking about the 4/6 on offer for Pompey at home to Watford; it`s as tasty as a chicken tikka masala.
I had a lovely Indian on Wednesday night to celebrate England`s draw in Holland; her name was Sanjita. There was an immediate chemistry between us; Rohypnol. I`m loving Arsenal at 1/3 at home to Newcastle.
The argument for this week`s accer is so convincing, Mike Newell is reconsidering his hard-line stance on women`s rights. Arsenal, Chelsea, Portsmouth, Reading and an Everton draw are the five selections; you have the right to collect at a bra-burning 15/1.
Man City v Fulham
Saturday 18th November 12:45
Live on Premiership Plus
Man City 6/5
Get on: Fulham
Papa Bouba Diop to score with a header 9/1
Arsenal v Newcastle Saturday 18th November 15:00
Get on: Arsenal
Henry to score two or more goals 11/4
Chelsea v West Ham Saturday 18th November 15:00
West Ham 14/1
Get on: Chelsea
Frank Lampard to score from outside the penalty area 10/3
Everton v Bolton
Saturday 18th November 15:00
Get on: Draw
No goalscorer in the game 8/1
Portsmouth v Watford
Saturday 18th November 15:00
Get on: Portsmouth
Pedro Mendes to score at any time 5/1
Reading v Charlton Saturday 18th November 15:00
Get on: Reading
Reading to win and keep a clean sheet 2/1
Sheff Utd v Man Utd Saturday 18th November 15:00
Sheff Utd 8/1
Man Utd 4/11
Get on: Man Utd
Saha to score two or more goals 3/1
Middlesbrough v Liverpool Saturday 18th November 17:15
Live on Premiership Plus
Get on: Middlesbrough
Middlesbrough to win 1-0 8/1
Wigan v Aston Villa
Sunday 19th November 13:30
Live on Sky
Aston Villa 2/1
Get on: Aston Villa
Chris Sutton to score the first goal 8/1
Blackburn v Tottenham
Sunday 19th November 16:00
Live on Sky
Get on: Blackburn
McCarthy to score the only goal of the game 33/1
By Gerry McDonnell
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