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'If It's Football, It's Vital'

The Old School Tie - La Prem de la Prem

In what he hopes will become a new regular feature of the site our newly appointed 'Professor of History', Chix takes a look at the progress some ex-pupils are making at the various schools, colleges and academies they now attend.

Future articles will feature; College Dropouts, Foreign Exchange Students, The Kindergarten, Students who themselves became Teachers and a special in-depth view of life inside our very own Ladies College.

This narrative however, focuses on the elite and looks at our ex-pupils who can stand proud and claim that as a member of one of the top 20 performing footballing institutions in England they rank within the top 500 players in the country.

The Old School Tie proudly presents... 'Le prem de la prem' .... Or otherwise entitled .... 'ex-Pompey Players still in the Premiership'


The first name on blackboard this term is that of Nigerian student Yakubu Aiyegbeni, who The Professor believes needs singling out and congratulating for continually demonstrating his consistent goal scoring ability. 'The Yak' as he was called in the playground, recently scored his 100th goal in English football and cemented his place in history as the highest scoring African in the Premier League. If Yakubu's prowess in front of goal wasn't enough to be proud of, his demonstration of loyalty towards his former college when delivering one of the tamest penalties ever seen last weekend, not doubt brought smiles to the faces of those in the Staff Room. None more so than Matrons whose weekly laundry bill was reduced due to Jamo managing to keep a clean sheet for the first time this term.

'Our Lady of Blackburn' was the next focus of The Professors attention and in particular Travel and Tourism student Jason Roberts. Roberts it seems has finally realised that a change of teacher rather than a change of school can provide the motivation needed to 'knuckle down'. Having reviewed Roberts End Of Year Report it was apparent that there was little love lost between him and former Sports Master Mr. Hughes. The Professor is therefore encouraged that under the guidance of ex-MK Don Mr. Ince, Jason has managed to take his pre-season form into the new term and is gathering conclusive evidence that there is more to 'Our Ladys' strikeforce than a certain Paraguayan.

Those of you that remember French lecturer M.Perrin may recall his first recruit to our college, Andy O'Brien. Andy left Portsmouth under a cloud after falsely claiming he could not concentrate on his studies due to being bullied by newly appointed Head Boy Sol Campbell and Religious Studies graduate Linvoy Primus. The Professor is pleased to report that Andy is still firmly settled at Reebok High and is now considered an 'A' grade student. Although, he urges him to attend Mr.Trapattoni's Irish lessons once in a while.

Also at Reebok High of course is ex-Prefect Matthew Taylor. As expected Matthew has taken the move to his new school in his stride and continues to perform to his usual high standard. In July, Matthew was awarded the No.7 shirt in recognition of his efforts during a difficult first term. It's the first time Matthew has owned a shirt baring just a single number and he appears very proud of it, although The Professor, fluent in all things Greek has advised Matt to remove the existing name tag as when translated 'Stelios Giannakopoulos' means Gary Megson is a big .... The Professor declined the invitation to complete his sentence.

Given this weeks unrest at the comprehensive formally known as The City of Manchester Boys School, The Professor tried to contact his favourite Geography student Benjani Mwaruwari to check on his moral. Unfortunately the injured Benjani could not be located, although the new Middle-Eastern School Secretary read a statement in which it mentioned that Mwaruwari believes he needs another week or so before recommencing training following his thigh injury and that he is very much looking forward to working with the new foreign-exchange students Jo and Robinho, both of whom incidentally specialise in the study of the insane mind.

On the subject of the insane it is with regret that The Professor informs us that our former Head of Drama and Comedy Mr.Pulis recently suffered a relapse. The now Headmaster at Britannia Stoke Victoria was overheard talking to journalists and describing Jamaican international and former medical student Ricardo Fuller as a 'special' player. In fairness, Fuller had just recorded a fine individual effort in the win over The O'Neill Academy and had previously scored Britannia Stoke Victoria's first-ever Premier League goal, but 'special', surely nobody could or indeed should describe Fuller as 'special'.

Further evidence that Mr. Pulis's mental state was not right was highlighted when he offered former English Language student Amdy Faye a trial and then signed him .. twice. It was not until last Saturday when TV cameras showed the look of disbelief on Pulis's face after seeing Faye get sent-off but remain on the pitch, that the full extent of his illness was known. Despite lengthy conversations with his former colleague The Professor is still struggling to make Mr. Pulis comprehend that there are in fact 'two' A. Fayes playing for Britannia Stoke Victoria this term.

The Professor wishes his former colleague well but fears for the other ex-Portsmouth students in his charge, namely; Graduate in the Art of Invisibility Vincent Pericard, Fitness student Salif Diao, Master of Past Glories Andy Griffin and the long forgotten Lewis Buxton who at still only 24, hopes to carve out a career in football one day.

On a more positive note The Professor is pleased to inform us that Mr. Pulis has at least realised that his Son, Bench-making student namby pamby Anty Pulis Jr will never pass his Premiership exams and although Anty has played in every league division in England (apart from the top) Daddy has taken the tough decision and sent him back to Mummy on the South Coast. Anty started at his new school, St. Mary of The Lower Leagues, last Monday.

The last name on the Professors blackboard this month was ex-Portsmouth youth player and general all round goody two shoes Gary O'Neil. The Professor had expressed concern that Gary was experiencing difficulties adapting to life at 'Boro Boys Boarding School' and had been overheard complaining that he was suffering from homesickness and wanted to return South to be nearer Mummy. As it transpired The Professor was contacted by O'Neils new Headmaster Mr. Southgate who confirmed that the situation had been rectified and Gary was now back on track. Its amazing how the slipper can focus a pupils mind !

Finally, The Professor would like to draw your attention to two forthcoming events. Next Tuesday sees the first airing of former pupil Dean Kiely's presentation on extracts of his recent dissertation entitled 'Dealing with Management Conflicts'. Doors open at Hawthorn West High at 8pm and tickets are reasonably priced at £5.00. The following Thursday sees the long awaited debate on 'Contained Air: The Effects of Attitude' written and presented by UFO specialist Nigel Quashie at The Curbishley Rooms, Upton Park. Doors open at 7:45pm and tickets are again £5.00

The Professor points out that proceeds from both events will go towards the Harrods Grammar Appeal for Diomansy Kamara's reconstructive surgery. It is hoped that the money raised will help in the investigation as to which part of Kamaras body requires reconstruction first.

Make sure your homework is on The Professors desk first thing Monday.

Until next time.

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The Journalist

Writer: Chix Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday September 5 2008

Time: 9:03PM

Your Comments

give me the Yak back and sod the rest ! lol
southportpompey
It is thought that the Geography student Benjani Mwuarimwuari, whilst flourishing at his new school will not fit in with the new syllabus which we understand will be introduced at The City of Manchester Boys School in the next year. It is to be hoped that he can enrol once again at his old school in Portsmouth where he made a good impression and was admired for his diligence, loyalty and high moral standing.
Gandor
Nicely done Chix. I'd have Taylor back for squad reasons, Yakubu for power and pace and Benji for his effort and smile. In fact Benji get on a plane out of that circus, you don't deserve to be treated how you will be in the next six months.
stillthewhizz
arswome article professor great read. and i'd give an arm and a leg to get benji or the yak back but i don't think that cover the transfer fee lol
pompeym@
Chix well done you managed it then! See Matty Taylor was an expert on Setanta's coverage of the U21s tonight. Read tomorrow when I have got over the effects of the session I had to have this evening.
eastneydave
Stillthewhizz, I'd love Benji back as well, I think he might actually manage to stay awake and catch the plane if he was coming BACK to Pompey. We are crying out for a left sided midfielder, so we should never have got rid of Matty. As for the Yak - yes, but not now we've got Crouchie and Defoe.
tracyc
So nobody would like Tony Pulis back then ?... wot not either jr or snr ?.... Thanks for your comments people it was good fun writing this and as I did I considered who would actually add something to our current squad... My answer.. wait for it .... Jason Roberts .. His form at the mo is outstanding and he's putting Santa Cruz in the shade.. and he doesn't sulk like the Yak ... I wouldn't have him start but as a big burly player to come on from the bench and put himself about .. I take him over Kanu or Nuge at the mo... but only on his current form... Benji, Matty and GON are better left in the 'happy memories' category I think... Next time I'm gonna focus on those players that are now play aboard.. there's some real crackers in there !
Chix
finally gotten round to reading this article in full chixy - and it shows just what an asset you, and of course dave, will be to vital pompey! great read...
you know what, i think you are right on current form, attitude and so on roberts is the one that i too would most have back, as he would give us an alternative option, but also not moan if he went for spells without playing - he would knuckle down and fight - altho benji would do the same and there isnt much between the 2, altho benji's heart is well and truely here!
most others would make fine squad players - others squad players in the reserves at best tho! - but as much as i thought matty taylor would be ideally suited to us just a few week back, armand traore and from the looks of it belhadj would be much further ahead of him in the selection stakes...
pompeyrug
Cracking read Chix, had me giggling all the way trhough and has helped me get over my banging hangover! Very sureal. Grea stuff.
sneakay
id have benji, matty, gary o' and the yak back. we need alternative options, and numbers shouldnt be a problem, a big squad is needed for the uefa cup.
jbaker
Great read Prof. Chix. 10000 lines for Quashie. I must aim at the goal. LOL.
storagematt
Glad to have aided the hangover Sneaks ... It you think this one is sureal watch this space i'm might come become the Salvador Dali of Vital Pompey... Jbakes, all would provide a few options I agree but I'm not sure I could cope with Yakubu sulks every few months.. even Moyes is getting fed up with them I hear ...Matt, I think it might take a few more than 10,000 lines for Quashie, but thinking about I think he actually did aim at the goal .. he just had a crap aim .. Keep the comments coming fellas.. it inspires us to write more..
Chix
 

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